Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
