You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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