dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't turn off my feet"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
