I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
