I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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