At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
