I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
