Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
