Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
