.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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