There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
