Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
