Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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