the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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