I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
false alarm. still invincible.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
