I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
