i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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