The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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