he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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