I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
