Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
