Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The best revenge is premature balding
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
