Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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