Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
