U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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