hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
