I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just found a bag of teeth...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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