There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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