We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
