My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
