i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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