just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
