my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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