I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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