I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
