i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
