Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize