gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
