I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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