Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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