Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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