He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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