i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
