Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
