Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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