well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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