I looked at my own cervix.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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