I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
