I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
jump out the window naked night went bad
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
