drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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