Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
