I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
