her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
