His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
