your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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