two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
