I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
