Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i drank out of a bidet.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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